24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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