Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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