my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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