I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
