he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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