I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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