Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
