last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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