Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
