oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
