Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
