I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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