R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
