i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
