I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
