Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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