I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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