apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
