I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
