So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
