If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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