i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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