She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
