There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
