i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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