Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
