Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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