And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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