this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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