There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
