my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
