Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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