i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
