I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
