About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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