I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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