Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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