Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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