I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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