well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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