Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize