I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize