i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
