the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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