It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
