I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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