I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
