you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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