i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
