no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
