My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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