my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
