Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
