boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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